Maria Not Marie

Won’t You Be My Emo Boyfriend? Makeout Club...

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 23:44:03 -0500

Won’t You Be My Emo Boyfriend?

Makeout Club Profile:

Username: xsassycorex

Interests: hardcore music, veganism, “politics” and sXe

Favorite bands: Three Mile Pilot, Saetia, The Locust, Creation is Crucifixion and Q and Not U (for the upcoming indie music phase).

Who I’m Looking For: A sXe boy who is willing to cuddle and is interested in lecturing girls about music, “politics” and lifestyle choices and why his personal choices are “the right” choices in all of these regards. Also, rudimentary interest in philosophy, but nothing beyond of Nietzsche. Prefers someone with a tattoo they will regret in three years.

I love reading the hashtag trending topics on Twitter, mostly...

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 16:32:00 -0500

I love reading the hashtag trending topics on Twitter, mostly because the Tweets people post really help me keep up on my teenage slang. This Twitter user has given me quite the glimpse into the current adolescent lexicon just by listing off reasons “why u single.” The term “jump off” has taken a strange new meaning since I remember last using it (sometime between 1997 and 2000, probably in front of a Contempo Casuals) and new terms such as “yamp” and “sluther” appear to be of-the-moment word conglomerations that will probably never really catch on outside of whatever collection of middle schools they were invented in (the term “sluther” reveals its short-lived slang status in its misinterpreted meaning that resulted in it being defined as being both “a female willing to do anything sexually” and “a general term for a female” in the very same definition! Going forward, I will be using this term for a “slutty Truther,” which I think might make more sense). However, MissMakaylaLove has just introduced me to a golden new slang term: “bath-waterless bitch.” Obviously, this is the jackpot and I want to start using this delightful term ASAP but this piece of slang has yet to be defined on Urban Dictionary, so I have the guess the meaning. So far, I’m thinking it has something to do with not being hot enough for someone to want to “drink your bath water,” a phrase I always found confusing. However, there are so many better ways to call someone “not hot,” so maybe that isn’t it.

Can anyone help me out?

Love is...

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 15:35:48 -0500

Doing your horrible Claire Littleton impression (“I WANT MY BAY-BEE! A DINGO ATE MY BAY-BEE!”) roughly fifty times every Tuesday evening before Lost airs and having your boyfriend smile and say without a hint of annoyance or sarcasm, “you’re so good at impressions!”

daveholmes: OPPOSITE OF FANTASTIC. Beard-vertising at CPAC:...

Sat, 20 Feb 2010 11:13:26 -0500

daveholmes:

OPPOSITE OF FANTASTIC.

Beard-vertising at CPAC: The only way for a conservative gal to get a date these days.

Well look at what I bought at the bookstore the other day! Go...

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 13:56:12 -0500

Well look at what I bought at the bookstore the other day!

Go buy this book. Now.

The only people who care enough to comment on my blog are strangers who google themselves and...

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 23:57:28 -0500

The only people who care enough to comment on my blog are strangers who google themselves and somehow end up on a random post I wrote from three years ago.

was england justifiable in interfering between egypt and the soudan rebels in the urabi revolt?

Sat, 30 Jan 2010 10:23:27 -0500

I know why you would want to ask me a question like this, Mr. Bag. I’ve often been told that reading through my blog gives people the impression that I am some sort of expert on 19th-century English-Egyptian relations. Unfortunately, I have almost no knowledge in that era of history, but since lacking knowledge on a subject has never stopped a person writing on the internet from having an opinion about something, I’ll do my best to continue the great bloggy tradition and form a quick, glib judgment after hastily reading a wikipedia entry on the urabi revolt.

So, to answer your question: hell no.

I feel like I don't update this blog enough

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 11:17:47 -0500

But instead of creating my own content (read: taking screenshots of things on the internet that are only funny to me) I will make you, the reader, do my work for me.

Ask me anything.

"‘He did a lot of hand work,’ said Trichon, praising his ‘straight fingers, perfect..."

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 11:58:00 -0500

“‘He did a lot of hand work,’ said Trichon, praising his ‘straight fingers, perfect nails’ and ability to ‘hold things correctly.’”

- Model agent Maggie Trichon recalling her days of representing Scott Brown. (via Wonkette)

I'm the hardest-working investigative hair journalist in Brooklyn

Wed, 20 Jan 2010 10:00:39 -0500

I'm the hardest-working investigative hair journalist in Brooklyn

Questions For Our Times

Tue, 12 Jan 2010 21:04:25 -0500

Which is correct: “dilly daddling” or “diddle daddling?”

What are you working on right now? I miss talking with you.

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 12:46:44 -0500

I miss talking with you too!

I’m still working at the Gap and I’m working on getting my new website and copywriting portfolio up, hopefully by the end of this month. After that, I plan on emailing/calling every single ad agency in New York looking for internships. If for some reason that doesn’t work out I will probably just start a Tumblr filled with pictures of dumb Facebook ads and then get a modest book deal from one of those publishers that specializes in blog-to-books-that-end-up-in-the-gag-gift-sections-of-Urban-Outfitters and then live off that money until I run away to go live on a farm.

But, you know, that probably won’t happen. I’m optimistic!

I never met an internet fad I didn't like

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 09:18:01 -0500

I never met an internet fad I didn't like

NOOOOOOO!

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 13:15:51 -0500

NOOOOOOO!

(Ed. Note: I won’t be posting all of my Formspring answers on my Tumblr because I know how...

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 09:25:58 -0500

(Ed. Note: I won’t be posting all of my Formspring answers on my Tumblr because I know how annoying that can be and I don’t want to take up people’s precious Dashboard space with things that are not iPhone pictures of cats; however, I just felt like this was something you all NEEDED TO KNOW about me.)

You have such a pretty name. Are people always mangling it? What’s the worst version you’ve ever seen on junk mail?

People mess up my name so frequently that I don’t even notice it anymore. I most often get called “Marie” or by my last name “Lara.” I can see why people would call me those two things since, in the case of “Marie,” I don’t pronounce my name with any Spanish trill and “Lara” is a fairly uncommon Hispanic last name in America (as opposed to Lopez, Gonzalez, etc.) and is mostly known in the US as a first name. So, I mean, whatevs.

The junk mail versions of my name are always messed up, usually because my name is long. “Mariamerced” is probably the worst one that I’ve seen.

It is funny because when people mess up my name it doesn’t really bother me. One woman at my work has insisted on calling me “Marie” so I’ve given up on correcting her. The only thing that annoys me is that when I tell people my name is “Maria” they immediately start belting out “Maria” from West Side Story, or some other “Maria” song. Or, if they are in their mid-thirties and Hispanic, they start singing the theme song from the popular telenovela starring a young Thalia called “Maria Mercedes.” UGH! Now that is the worst.

Ask me anything

Oh yeah

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 17:40:58 -0500

I got one of those formspring.me accounts last night.

Ask me anything

Just a little FYI: This stuff is seriously BOSS STATUS.

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 00:48:37 -0500

Just a little FYI: This stuff is seriously BOSS STATUS.

New York socialites, they’re just like US!

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 10:01:33 -0500

New York socialites, they’re just like US!

File under: Things My Mom Sends Her Entire Email List After...

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 10:13:28 -0500

File under: Things My Mom Sends Her Entire Email List After She’s Had Half A Glass Of Pinot Grigio

In case you are wondering (and I know you are not) my triumphant return to retail has been going...

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 13:24:20 -0500

In case you are wondering (and I know you are not) my triumphant return to retail has been going swimmingly. Not that my definition of “going swimmingly” with regards to working as a part-time sales associate at The Gap involves particularly high expectations, I just mean that I’m getting paid and no one has yelled at me yet.

One thing that I had forgotten during my brief hiatus is that once you put on a name tag people will talk to you like you are a child who was held back a grade. It is a mixture of patronization, talking sslllooowwwlllyy and at a HIGH VOLUME! and desperate attempts to mask their white guilt with a forced, toothy smile. And god forbid you ever destroy their image of you as an ignorant but magical prol by mentioning that you graduated college/have a second, non-retail career/can read because then you will be subjected to their contempt for destroying their idyll of a place where people of their same background and tastes all make $65,000 right out of college and are never unemployed for more than three months.

Anyways, the next time someone talks to me like that I’m really tempted to reply, in my best imagined voice of Moose from Archie Comics, “Derrrr…why thank you Miss Pretty Lady. I sure do like it when people treat me nice at dis here store. I did’n get no fancy schoolin’ like you growin’ up so dis is the only work I can do!”