In case you are wondering (and I know you are not) my triumphant return to retail has been going swimmingly. Not that my definition of “going swimmingly” with regards to working as a part-time sales associate at The Gap involves particularly high expectations, I just mean that I’m getting paid and no one has yelled at me yet.

One thing that I had forgotten during my brief hiatus is that once you put on a name tag people will talk to you like you are a child who was held back a grade. It is a mixture of patronization, talking sslllooowwwlllyy and at a HIGH VOLUME! and desperate attempts to mask their white guilt with a forced, toothy smile. And god forbid you ever destroy their image of you as an ignorant but magical prol by mentioning that you graduated college/have a second, non-retail career/can read because then you will be subjected to their contempt for destroying their idyll of a place where people of their same background and tastes all make $65,000 right out of college and are never unemployed for more than three months.

Anyways, the next time someone talks to me like that I’m really tempted to reply, in my best imagined voice of Moose from Archie Comics, “Derrrr…why thank you Miss Pretty Lady. I sure do like it when people treat me nice at dis here store. I did’n get no fancy schoolin’ like you growin’ up so dis is the only work I can do!”

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